The Perfect Summer Day.

Well, it's technically still May but it's close enough to June to qualify. I'm sitting on the front deck watching hummingbirds at the feeder. There are two yellow canaries have a bath by the pond. The perfect summer day. The sun is warm and comforting. There's a breeze to cool me so I'm not too hot. The birds are singing. My dog is sleeping beside my chair. It's pretty much perfect.

Now all I have to do is find a place where it's always like this. Not too hot, not too cold, not too humid and not too dry. Right now Manitoba is the perfect place. Why would anyone ever want to move away? I know it can't last though so if anyone knows a magical land where it a Manitoba summer day everday please let me know.

Ouch,that was a mosquito. Barney came over for a pat on the head. Oh wait, is that a wood tick? Nope - it's four of them. Oh well, as I was saying, I'm really enjoying the morning. Oh how cute - that bird has a twig is in mouth. Looks like he's building a nest. Damn, it's a barn swallow and he's finishing his nest right above my door. Bird crap all over my freshly painted door. Oh well, I won't let little things like that get to me. I'll just savour the moment. I'd finish my ice tea but an ant crawled into it. Oh well, not really thirsty anyway. My, just look how the perennials are coming in. Some are already blooming. I just love the little yellow flowers. And I hear they make good wine too.

Opps, I may have been in the sun a little too long. My skins's a little red. Oh well, it probably won't blister this time. Yes, the leaves are on the trees and my plum tree is starting to blossom. I think I'll take a closer look.

Does anybody know how to get rid of the swelling from a bee sting?

If I Had the Power to Grant Wishes

Birthdays are a time for wishes. You get to make a wish when you blow out the candles. I'm not sure who we direct the wish to, but somewhere in the universe there is a granter of birthday wishes.

Now, there's a job I'd love. Imagine delivering a new bike to a 6 year old and watching the smile. You could watch him climb on his shiny red bike (all bikes should be red). He would push off down the driveway and wobble a bit at first. Then he would circle round and round the block till there was no doubt who was in control of the bike. Then a stray cat with mange would dash out from under the shrubs and scare the little kid and make him fall from the bike and scrape both his knees. Hey, don't blame me. I was just the one who gave him the bike.

But if I could grant wishes I wouldn't have let my darling, Darlene, down. It was her birthday yesterday and I truly suck. I didn't get her card in the mail on time. Actually, I didn't get her card in the mail at all. But that doesn't mean I didn't think about her, several times. It was either to late to call or too early. Yes, I suck. But if I could grant her a wish it would be big. Something like:

I would make her charming and warm and caring. Children would shout in excitement when she appeared. They would give her nicknames to show their affection, like Mrs. B or DingDing. I would give her friends who adore her and family who love her. I would make her funny and wise. I would let her live in a place where the sun always shines and there would be a breeze to cool her. I would give her great taste and a nack for giving people the best gifts. She would make people laugh and always be glad she was around. She would be the kind of woman who lives a great life.

Looks like the real granter of birthday gifts already beat me to it. Then again, she's had the chance to make a lot of birthday wishes already. Oh come on, you didn't think I could go without making a dig about her age did you?

What's standing in the way of your weight loss?

Those who know me may have noticed that I've been slowly packing on the pounds. I am well aware that no pills or gimic is going to make the pounds melt off. I know that the only thing that will help me lose the weight are diet and exercise.

That being said, I know it is easier to make excuses than follow through.

So I am dedicating myself to being a woman of action - my own superhero. Nothing will stop me. I will lose 20 pounds. I will be able to jog 2 miles without stopping. I will have well toned muscles and a six pack.

The only thing standing in my way is a few things that really need to get done. But as soon as my list is complete, I will get on the treadmill. But first I need to:

wash my hair
finish reading "War and Peace"
clean my closet
organize my recipes
put all my pictures into albums
grow out my hair
reshingle the garage
plant the garden
weed the garden
visit a shut in
finish watching American Idol
re-read "War and Peace"
re-wire the basement
build a fence out of drinking straws that will surround the home quarter
rent a scary movie
return my library books
clean the freezer

So if I get all that done today, I'll work on my diet. And as for the exercise - well, let's assume the only 6 pack I'll have will be Budweiser.

Planning a Trip to Canada?

If you are planning a trip to the far north, here is some sound advice from the locals.

* Pack for the season. This means if you're traveling between July 15 - June 15 you should pack a parka and snow boots.

* Pack sunscreen. Your sunscreen should have an SPF of 30 or higher. When the sun bounces of the snow it is very strong.

* Don't forget your insect repellent. Tics are very hardy. They are often out in April in spite of the snow.

* A good book is highly recommended at all times of the year. Chances are you will be snowed in at some point, possibly without power.

* Travel candles are also a good idea. They are important for light and well as a source of heat. Choosing your favorite scent will only enhance your visit to Canada.

* Swimsuits are optional. Although they are great for working on your tan you probably won't want to be water here even though the ice melts for approximately 2 weeks in late June.

* A multi-functional hat is a must. It should have ear flaps to protect you from frostbite; a large brim as a sun guard; a place to hang your fish hooks and of course, a cup holder with straw for your beer.

Any other travel needs can be purchased locally. There is a WalMart every 242 miles for your convenience.

We hope you enjoy your stay. Tell your friends and get a T-Shirt made that states "I survived a summer in Canada!" You will be the envy of your peers.

A Royal Decree

I, Princess of the Prairies,
After seeing the constant stupidity in those around me and
After tiring of trying to reason with dumbasses

Decree that:

No one will waste more than 3 days before accomplishing at least 2 jobs around the house (including basement, garage and yard).
No one shall attend more than 2 Auction Sales a week unless they can prove that they actually need to buy something specific.
No one shall wait at the table for dinner to appear after having wasted yet another day.
No one shall expect clean clothes in their closet as long as the washer/dryer are in public domain and not locked.
No one shall expect groceries to appear in the refrigerator courtesy of Merlin the Magician.
No one shall justify not making home repairs by saying "I don't know how".
No one shall assume that unpaid bills will disappear.
No one shall watch TV before completing a simple productive task each evening.

Any subject failing to obey the above will be dealt with by the princesses official task force.

Signed, April 15, 2008
Olivia, Princess of the Prairies

Better Than Disney World.

You know the thrill of standing in line at an amusement park. The roller coaster is in view. It looms high above the other rides. The cars going over the tracks makes a clackety sound. Very exciting. You wait patiently and watch as others disembark, laughing nervously, looking a little green, eyes a little wild from the thrill. With great anticipation you hand the attendant your ticket, you climb into your car and push down the safety bar. Slowly, very slowly, the car starts to move. Your smile widens, you're eyes get big. The car starts the climb. Your knuckles get white as you clench the bar. Click, click, click. Faster and faster. The car reaches the top. You take in one deep breath and then down you go. Your stomach flip flops. Your heart is in your throat. And before you realize how scary it was you reach the bottom. The click, click, click you start the climb again. When it is finally over and you get off with weak knees and a sick queasy feeling you realize just how close you to death you came.

And now you know how the commoner feels dealing with my hormonal mood swings. One minute I'm up, the next minute I'm down. You have a better chance predicting the exact date for peace in the middle East than trying to guess what mood I'll be in.

For any of you who are believers - pray for both of us.

The Telephone - Friend or Foe

After years of being someone's secretary and raising two children I find the phone a royal pain in the butt. When it rings my blood pressure rises and I cringe. I know it's important for businesses and emergencies but I still think if Ma Bell, Rogers and AT&T could disappear and life would not only go on, but probably improve.

My phone rings about 15 times every day. No, I'm not that popular but I do have a list of regulars who call. Each call from 4 of my regulars lasts about 20 minutes and would go longer if I didn't invent excuses to hang up. I found the phone boring. I can't see facial expressions and I tend to drift. The cordless phone made it better than before and a headset really simplifies things. I can do laundry, dishes, a pedicure and that's helpful. But really, how interested am I if I need to resort to housework and personal maintenance to entertain myself while on the phone. I've even been known to play computer games and blog. (Yes, I'm listening. Oh, you don't say.) Other calls only last a few minutes but that's still time I'll never get back. Of course, telemarketers are a great sense of entertainment for me but not very productive for the telemarketer.

And don't even get me started on cell phones. I love the security knowing that I'm prepared for any emergency but will never understand while most people have to have one attached to their ears 80% of the time.

So all in all, I'm not a fan of the phone. Almost every call is asking for money, a favour from family and friends, or just daily whining and misery.

BUT..... Every now and then I get a call from a dear cousin or friend and they want nothing more than to see how I'm faring. They give you encouraging words and brighten your day. (Yes, Darlene and Joan - I mean you.) A few minutes with a warm voice on the other end and the day is a little brighter. So thank you and keep those calls a coming.

Also, if you're selling vacuums, life insurance or mops and brushes my number is in the book.

The Writers Strike

Well aren't we all grateful that the writer's strike in America has ended. We are now enjoying new episodes of our favourite shows or we will be very soon. At least we'll get a few shows in before the season finales. Then we'll need to busy ourselves for the summer months by gardening or barbecuing or whatever. That will give the writers and actors time to regroup, write something new and exciting and get some great episodes in the can.

But wouldn't it be great if we could put our lives lives on hold for a few months. I'd hire some new writers to change the whole plot. Maybe change the location and add a few new characters. Maybe a hot construction worker named Carlos and a doctor named Miguel. We could bump off some of the less popular characters (no, I won't name names.) We could make my life into a sitcom. All problems would be funny and readily solved in the allotted 22 minutes. We could all have fascinating jobs and maybe live like soap opera stars where no one works at all. (Wait, part of this sounds like real life drama.)

Then in the fall we could all get really excited and organize parties to get together and watch the first show of the 48th season of "The Life and Times of the Prairie Princess". Then after eating popcorn and drinking beer we could rehash the episode and discuss it over the water cooler for the next few days. Meanwhile I could be getting a pedicure and waiting for people who are far more talented than me to decide what would happen to me next.

I hope the writers put in a little more effort for the next season. Quite frankly, I don't think this last year was some of their best work.

True Confessions

I used to think I was a good person. I was raised in a good Christian home and taught proper values. I had morals and scruples. But things change. I never meant for it to happen. But I've cheated. Yes, I've cheated in the past and plan on cheating again. Tomorrow.

I need a haircut. And you can fool yourself for a while. Adding a little extra mousse, a little more spray. Then one day it's no longer enough. You go looking for more. It just happens. These feelings sneak up on you. So you phone your regular hairdresser and naturally she's booked. So when you don't get what you need from someone you've ttusted to do right by you, you naturally go looking. And I confess. I've made an appointment at my regular salon but with another stylist. Yes, she's younger and prettier but that's not the attraction. She was available. I know it's a poor excuse but she offered herself to me and I was weak. I hope my regular stylist will forgive me. After all, it's only for a cut - not a colour.

I feel ashamed.

Manitoba Weather Report and General Highway Conditions

Ground Hogs Day was a bit a disappointment this year.

Punxsutawney Phil--saw his shadow...6 more weeks of winter
Dunkirk Dave--did not see his shadow...an early spring
PeeWee--saw his shadow...6 more weeks of winter
Wiarton Willie--did not see his shadow...an early spring
General Beauregard Lee--did not see his shadow...an early spring
Jimmy the Groundhog--did not see his shadow...an early spring
Shubenacadie Sam --did not see his shadow...an early spring

From these predictions we can conclude that Dunkirk Dave and Wiarton Willie are bold faced liars. General Beauregard Lee, Jimmy the Groundhog and Shubenacadie Sam and just stupid. PeeWee saw the extra six weeks of spring coming but is a little shortsighted and didn't see these last two. Punxsaawney Phil knew exactly what we were in for but knew that most of us couldn't stand the idea of being responsible for my suicide so only warned us about the extra six weeks.

Today is March 29, 2008. Spring has been upon us for 1 week now. I'm am watching a severe storm dump another snowfall on me. They (those miserables S.O.B.'s at Environment Canada) are predicting up to 30 centimeters. The Commoner tried to cheer me up with the comment "that's only another foot."

Now I realize that no place on earth is perfect but come on. Nassau's average temp is 82. Las Vegas boasts an average of 67. Phoenix 72.6. Daytona Beach 70.4. Yuma is 74.2. Yes, there are cloudy days but you can't get stuck in clouds. Yes, it rains but you don't need to shovel rain.

I now know how prisoners of the former Soviet Union felt when exiled to Siberia (average temperature is 32).

I have minimized the requirements in my search for prince charming. He no longer needs ride a white horse or slay dragons. All that is required is a modest home in a warm climate.

Oh and as for the Highway Conditions - snow packed - travel not recommended but surely desired.

Stuff I Don't Know

My fan base (you both know who you are) was very supportive when I returned to blogging. Someone I respect very much encouraged me to blog regularly. So my goal was for every second day. So naturally, I felt I should write about stuff I know.
There's not much. But there is no end to the stuff I don't know.

1. Why is there always a parking spot on the opposite side of street?
2. Why does produce in the grocery store beg to be taken home and refuse to be used once it's in your fridge?
3. Why do you have a really good hair day just before your hair appointment?
4. Why is there nothing to watch on T.V. when you have a satellite dish?
5. Why can I read 40 pages of a book before I've already read it?
6. Why do other people have advise for my life but can't seem to deal with their own?
7. Why do I have pimples and wrinkles at the same time? Does it mean middle age?
8. Why does every magazine promise me significant weight loss and new dessert recipes on the cover?
9. Why do I buy them anyway?
10. Why does time go so fast when you're sleeping?
11. Why do I babble?

I will search for something to blog about. Thanks for bearing with me.

I Could Tell It Was Monday When....

I woke up later than usual. It shouldn't matter since I don't need to be at work till noon. But my morning routine of coffee in the hot tub was changed due to a severe north wind, 3 inches of new snow and the fact the Ellen would be on in only 1/2an hour. That meant I had to rush through my shower, scarf down my breakfast and skip doing my makeup (the teenagers I work with won't notice). I settled down for my chat with the girls from the View and while I know they can't hear me, I feel we have a certain rapport just the same.

I went to warm up the car. I pressed the command start button. Nothing. Kept trying -only 14 more times then realized the car battery was dead. I have a booster pack in the trunk of my car. However, the one key I have for the car doesn't fit into the trunk. Odd. Without the battery, the manual trunk button doesn't work. Also, the remote starter should open the trunk but it too, needs power.

Finally got the booster pack out of my son's car, started mine, missed the last 10 minutes of The View and was on my way. The 3 inches of snow on my deck was 5 inches on the highway. The tracks made by bigger trucks were tricky to follow since I was blinded by the snow. Only had 2 near misses with the ditch and one with a really big truck. I made it to work. Oh happy day.

Now the day holds more challenges - will my car start? are the roads going to be passable? will there be any Easter Dinner leftovers? will anyone read this and care?

Tomorrow will be a better day. If not, heads will roll.

Queen For 10 Tens

I escaped from my icy prison to take my rightful place as queen. Early one morning, I fooled the commoner into driving me to the airport. I told him I was picking up a package. When his back was turned I boarded the first available flight, not knowing my destintation, but assured that wherever it took me would be better than living in exile.

The flight was destined for Rakjavik, but the handsome pilot winked at me and slyly turned the plane south. He landed in Nassau and slipped me his phone number.

The paparazzi were, as usual, one step ahead of me. They had alerted the islanders. One frienldy looking man stood out in the crowd and since he was the only one strong enough to carry my luggage, I went home with him.

We drove up to the mansion and that's when I knew - I WAS HOME! My island paradise had a pool, jesters for my entertainment and not one, but two, live in staff.

But being royalty is not always easy. To escape my duties we travelled to another island but my followers kept me so busy I was soon exhausted. We left Abaco so that I could return to my rightful throne.

I spent 10 blissful days being treated royally. But alas, when the threat to my personal safety became too great I was forced to, once again, board a flight to an undisclosed location.

The plane was taken over by terrorists and forced to land back in the land of ice and snow. After wondering the airport for days, the commoner spotted me and carried me back to the prison he calls home. I will put on a brave face and bide my time, for surely, when he's not looking - I WILL ESCAPE AGAIN! YOU CANNOT HOLD ME HERE AGAINST MY WILL! I WILL BE FREE! FREEDOM! FREEDOM! FREEDOM