Planning a Trip to Canada?

If you are planning a trip to the far north, here is some sound advice from the locals.

* Pack for the season. This means if you're traveling between July 15 - June 15 you should pack a parka and snow boots.

* Pack sunscreen. Your sunscreen should have an SPF of 30 or higher. When the sun bounces of the snow it is very strong.

* Don't forget your insect repellent. Tics are very hardy. They are often out in April in spite of the snow.

* A good book is highly recommended at all times of the year. Chances are you will be snowed in at some point, possibly without power.

* Travel candles are also a good idea. They are important for light and well as a source of heat. Choosing your favorite scent will only enhance your visit to Canada.

* Swimsuits are optional. Although they are great for working on your tan you probably won't want to be water here even though the ice melts for approximately 2 weeks in late June.

* A multi-functional hat is a must. It should have ear flaps to protect you from frostbite; a large brim as a sun guard; a place to hang your fish hooks and of course, a cup holder with straw for your beer.

Any other travel needs can be purchased locally. There is a WalMart every 242 miles for your convenience.

We hope you enjoy your stay. Tell your friends and get a T-Shirt made that states "I survived a summer in Canada!" You will be the envy of your peers.

A Royal Decree

I, Princess of the Prairies,
After seeing the constant stupidity in those around me and
After tiring of trying to reason with dumbasses

Decree that:

No one will waste more than 3 days before accomplishing at least 2 jobs around the house (including basement, garage and yard).
No one shall attend more than 2 Auction Sales a week unless they can prove that they actually need to buy something specific.
No one shall wait at the table for dinner to appear after having wasted yet another day.
No one shall expect clean clothes in their closet as long as the washer/dryer are in public domain and not locked.
No one shall expect groceries to appear in the refrigerator courtesy of Merlin the Magician.
No one shall justify not making home repairs by saying "I don't know how".
No one shall assume that unpaid bills will disappear.
No one shall watch TV before completing a simple productive task each evening.

Any subject failing to obey the above will be dealt with by the princesses official task force.

Signed, April 15, 2008
Olivia, Princess of the Prairies

Better Than Disney World.

You know the thrill of standing in line at an amusement park. The roller coaster is in view. It looms high above the other rides. The cars going over the tracks makes a clackety sound. Very exciting. You wait patiently and watch as others disembark, laughing nervously, looking a little green, eyes a little wild from the thrill. With great anticipation you hand the attendant your ticket, you climb into your car and push down the safety bar. Slowly, very slowly, the car starts to move. Your smile widens, you're eyes get big. The car starts the climb. Your knuckles get white as you clench the bar. Click, click, click. Faster and faster. The car reaches the top. You take in one deep breath and then down you go. Your stomach flip flops. Your heart is in your throat. And before you realize how scary it was you reach the bottom. The click, click, click you start the climb again. When it is finally over and you get off with weak knees and a sick queasy feeling you realize just how close you to death you came.

And now you know how the commoner feels dealing with my hormonal mood swings. One minute I'm up, the next minute I'm down. You have a better chance predicting the exact date for peace in the middle East than trying to guess what mood I'll be in.

For any of you who are believers - pray for both of us.

The Telephone - Friend or Foe

After years of being someone's secretary and raising two children I find the phone a royal pain in the butt. When it rings my blood pressure rises and I cringe. I know it's important for businesses and emergencies but I still think if Ma Bell, Rogers and AT&T could disappear and life would not only go on, but probably improve.

My phone rings about 15 times every day. No, I'm not that popular but I do have a list of regulars who call. Each call from 4 of my regulars lasts about 20 minutes and would go longer if I didn't invent excuses to hang up. I found the phone boring. I can't see facial expressions and I tend to drift. The cordless phone made it better than before and a headset really simplifies things. I can do laundry, dishes, a pedicure and that's helpful. But really, how interested am I if I need to resort to housework and personal maintenance to entertain myself while on the phone. I've even been known to play computer games and blog. (Yes, I'm listening. Oh, you don't say.) Other calls only last a few minutes but that's still time I'll never get back. Of course, telemarketers are a great sense of entertainment for me but not very productive for the telemarketer.

And don't even get me started on cell phones. I love the security knowing that I'm prepared for any emergency but will never understand while most people have to have one attached to their ears 80% of the time.

So all in all, I'm not a fan of the phone. Almost every call is asking for money, a favour from family and friends, or just daily whining and misery.

BUT..... Every now and then I get a call from a dear cousin or friend and they want nothing more than to see how I'm faring. They give you encouraging words and brighten your day. (Yes, Darlene and Joan - I mean you.) A few minutes with a warm voice on the other end and the day is a little brighter. So thank you and keep those calls a coming.

Also, if you're selling vacuums, life insurance or mops and brushes my number is in the book.

The Writers Strike

Well aren't we all grateful that the writer's strike in America has ended. We are now enjoying new episodes of our favourite shows or we will be very soon. At least we'll get a few shows in before the season finales. Then we'll need to busy ourselves for the summer months by gardening or barbecuing or whatever. That will give the writers and actors time to regroup, write something new and exciting and get some great episodes in the can.

But wouldn't it be great if we could put our lives lives on hold for a few months. I'd hire some new writers to change the whole plot. Maybe change the location and add a few new characters. Maybe a hot construction worker named Carlos and a doctor named Miguel. We could bump off some of the less popular characters (no, I won't name names.) We could make my life into a sitcom. All problems would be funny and readily solved in the allotted 22 minutes. We could all have fascinating jobs and maybe live like soap opera stars where no one works at all. (Wait, part of this sounds like real life drama.)

Then in the fall we could all get really excited and organize parties to get together and watch the first show of the 48th season of "The Life and Times of the Prairie Princess". Then after eating popcorn and drinking beer we could rehash the episode and discuss it over the water cooler for the next few days. Meanwhile I could be getting a pedicure and waiting for people who are far more talented than me to decide what would happen to me next.

I hope the writers put in a little more effort for the next season. Quite frankly, I don't think this last year was some of their best work.

True Confessions

I used to think I was a good person. I was raised in a good Christian home and taught proper values. I had morals and scruples. But things change. I never meant for it to happen. But I've cheated. Yes, I've cheated in the past and plan on cheating again. Tomorrow.

I need a haircut. And you can fool yourself for a while. Adding a little extra mousse, a little more spray. Then one day it's no longer enough. You go looking for more. It just happens. These feelings sneak up on you. So you phone your regular hairdresser and naturally she's booked. So when you don't get what you need from someone you've ttusted to do right by you, you naturally go looking. And I confess. I've made an appointment at my regular salon but with another stylist. Yes, she's younger and prettier but that's not the attraction. She was available. I know it's a poor excuse but she offered herself to me and I was weak. I hope my regular stylist will forgive me. After all, it's only for a cut - not a colour.

I feel ashamed.