I FEEL LUCKY

I think this is it. The big one. The chance we've all been waiting for. The lottery.

I hear there's an unclaimed ticket in rural Manitoba for last weekends lottery. This has got to be my big chance. No more 9:00 - 5:00. I will finally get to sleep till 10:00. Then rush off for my pedicure. After Rachel Ray has prepared me an exotic breakfast served in the sun room. The Commoner will go to finishing school and learn which fork to use and that butter knives should not be used to clean under the fingernails.

I will have a vast wardrobe of the latest fashions. I will travel extensively doing acts of good will. I will start a charitable foundation. I will learn to paint in watercolours.

I will gather up my family and vacation in the tropics. Get ready cousin, you're getting company.

My staff will ensure the house is spotless, the garden well groomed, the laudry fresh smelling and neatly pressed. Even the sons' rooms will shine and no longer smell like "old bachelor". The expensive accountant will find me a tax haven. Oprah will probably want me on her show. And even though TV adds 10 pounds I will look fabulous. I will have better shoes than Oprah.

And even after I become famous for my philanthropy, I will remain humble.

The only glich is this plan is that I don't buy lottery tickets.

Now all we can hope is that whoever won is family or at least a really, really good friend.

Would the winner of the January 21 lottery please contact me at dontwannaworkanymore.com ?

A Sing-A-Long

I'm sure you are all familiar with "The Sound of Music". Julie Andrews neglected to sing these verses in the movie. But she had two bosses. First she worked for God and I bet he was pretty easy going. Then she worked for the man she eventually seduced and married. So I guess she didn't feel the need to finish the song. So here are the unsung verses. You know the tune so feel free to sing along.

8 hours a day I work here for a pittance
It wouldn't take much to bid it good riddance
Benefit packages don't mean a thing
If I am lucky I'll leave here by spring.

The pad on my desk is now covered in doodles
I'd chuck my work - the whole kit and caboodle
The members are ugly, no chance for a fling
If I am lucky I'll leave here by spring

I sit at my desk until I'm feeling dozey
To tell you the truth my job just ain't that rosey
But it's the weekend and that makes my sing
If I am lucky I'll leave here by spring.

CHORUS:

Oh this job bites
Oh the work stings
And I'm finally sad
I simply remember my bonus is due
And then I don't feel so bad.

Thanks for joining in.

Oh, I love surprises!

People often joke about Alzheimer patients. The fact that they get to meet new people every day, etc… And then I got to thinking…. What about me?

Yes, I’m forgetful but that’s not today’s issue. Today’s issue is the possibility of people surprising me every day. And I don’t mean with flowers and candy. No every single day I’m surprised with the stupidity of others. Now you would think that at my age I would have learned what people are capable of but it really still does surprise me.

Today’s example: One of my co-workers had to leave work because her daughter was sick. You’re right, that makes sense. Except that the daughter is in high school. So I wonder, couldn’t she stay home alone, or couldn’t she have spent that day at her grandma’s. I must admit I was shocked. I am almost speechles, but you know me better than that.

But the day is young. It’s not even noon. I’m sure before closing time I will have experienced yet another surprise, and once again, be shocked at someone else’s stupidity. I can only imagine how often I, myself, surprise others.

These are a few of my favourite things

I'm feeling good today for no particular reason. I'm catching a cold, there's still 2 more work days this week, the Commoner won't be home for another week and I miss him, my pants are still too tight. But like I said, I'm feeling good. In fact, so good I started making a list of things I like. Turns out there's lots. I couldn't type as fast as I could think of them. So since I'm feeling good and can't think of a single complaint worth writing about I think I'll share my list of things that I like. Maybe it will inspire you to make your own list. I double dog dare you. My list took less than 1 minute to think of (remember, it took longer to type). Please feel free to list your favourites in my comment section. Cause yep, feeling good and I care. Tomorrow? Who knows.

The Things I Like:

warm weather
good parking spots
letters in the mail
when the phone doesn't ring for hours
manicures
salt and vinegar chips
old movies
bette davis
oranges
friends
sunshine
hottubs
cran-tinis
kittens
old men
couples holding hands
the sound of music
good hair days
tea
family
laughing out loud
dancing
stretching
kisses on the back of my neck
days with nowhere to go
good books
chicken sandwiches
cold pop
sleeping with the window open
wearing sleep pants all day long
blonde jokes
people who smile like they mean it
hugs from little kids
comments on my blog
oprah
clean sheets

A thing of beauty is a joy forever

I almost envy the common folk. I realize I am living the life of them but deep inside I know I don't truly belong. So while it's fine for other women to age gracefully (read, let themselves go), I am constantly aware that when I regain my throne I must look the part of the princess. So I will recap my daily beauty regiment so you know what lengths I endure each day.

I wake up at 4:00 a.m. to do a Pilates workout. Unfortunately most days it takes 38 minutes for me to unhook the X-Box and figure out how to switch it from the satellite dish to the dvd player. Oh sure, some of you mock me and wonder why I can't remember from day to day. Well sister, it might be because I am dealing with 6 remote control, 2 satellite receivers, an x-box, a playstation, the dvd player and a surround sound system. I'm usually thrilled to get a picture that matches the sound. Anyway, this intricate procedure leaves me only 7 minutes for the workout. 5 minutes warm up then right into the cool down.

Then a quick shower where I exfoliate, cleanse and follow up with a good moisturizer. It saddens me to hear my skin making a sucking sound similar to a man at the bottom of his milkshake.

Then we shampoo, condition, mousse, gel, putty and spray the hair that has already been chemically treated with colour.

A brisk 28 minutes of make-up and the daily miracle is well on the way.

A quick trim of the moustache and a little tweezing on the chin and I'm almost set. I often wonder why I didn't just join the circus.

Now a quick manicure, pedicure, a little eyebrown waxing, a little more bikini waxing, and I'm starting to get it together.

Now for the foundation undergarments. Here's where it gets a little tricky. If the panties are asked to hold in too much the fat gets pushed up and sits under the bra. If only I could push it up a little further I might not need the padded bra.

But after 53 consecutive episodes of "What Not to Wear" I can throw together an outfit in less than 29 minutes.

A quick turn in the mirror and I'm set for the day. And for what. The man of my dreams (yes, the Commoner) is working in a far off land so who is going to notice my efforts. Surely not management. All they care is that the coffee is made along with excuses to cover their asses.

Do I sound bitter. Surely not. It's just the price one must pay to keep up appearances. And there are those of you who say "ah, but yes, with age comes wisdom." True enough, I am no doubt wiser than the 25 year olds with their firm thighs and single chins. But to tell you the truth I would trade all my knowledge for a tight butt in a heartbeat.

Luckily, I have discovered a new fitness guru. You can check out the newest diet craze that will soon be sweeping the nation. You can visit his blog at bahamamama1.blogspot.com.

I'm confident that once his new diet catches on that I will be as beautiful as I need to be. Once all of us realize that my grandmother was right and that "skinny's no good" our society will be better off. All hail the fitness guru. He is my only hope.

The Rocky Road

I am trying a new career in homecare. I decided it would do me good so I've agreed to care for the old and infirm. I was assigned Abby as my first patient.

But before I decide if this is my destiny I haven't handed in my resignation. I'm forced to try my new job in between my old one.

So at lunch I dash to Abby's house. I enter with a cheery disposition, I fluff the pillow and take care of simple errands. Abby sits on the coach with a puppy-dog look in her eye and it occurs to me she's expecting something more. Oh, food.

It turns out the morning nurse failed to show. Poor Abby has not been fed or watered for hours.

I was not raised to cook and clean. And can you explain to me why dry toast is not adequate for both lunch and supper? But I'm quite perceptive. I can tell it doesn't suit. The faces that one can make, sheesh!

So I head to the local deli and arrive back at Abby's with scrumptious treats. My efforts are greeted with "DON'T MAKE ME EAT THAT". So I poach eggs and burn some toast. Abby manages to choke one egg down and then turns away from me and won't make eye contact thinking I won't notice the stuff she didn't eat.

It's enough to consider taking on a different shift.

The morning nurse is in charge of opening the house for the day. She also prepares the coffee and breakfast. Breakfast is the only meal I can competently handle. You simply can't screw up rice krispies. Unless you serve then with chocolate milk. But then again, individual taste prevails. Unfortunately, I cannot have the morning shift because apparently getting up at 5:30 doesn't appeal to Abby.

The night nurse has to do the laundry and more of the cleaning. But the night nurse does not get told "DON'T MAKE ME DRINK FROM THAT CUP!"

The most prestigous job belongs to the dressing-change nurse. She is treated with the most respect despite the physical torture she puts Abby through. Go figure.

So I am stuck with lunch duty. And yes, we had toast again. And if the smoke detectors goes off again, too bad. In the words of the famous Wonfur "SUCK IT UP, PRINCESS!"

Fortunately for me I have the weekend off. Wonfur and Gabio are making the trek down from the mountains. I don't think they know what they're in for. I believe they are picking up Dr. Derek to assist. He is well trained in dealing with this type of patient.

So while I soak in the hot tub and enjoy the culinary skills of my in-home chef, Abby and her offspring will have to cope. I hope Gabio vacuums and Wonfur shops. Dr. Derek can assist Nurse Julia with the dressing-changes and I think I'll have a manicure.

Foiled Again

My first burst of energy.

After the hectic holiday season which provided me with ample anecdotes I was exhausted. So tonight after much prompting from my fans I decided to write.

I prepared my cup of tea, put on my green "life is good" sleep pants, and started to write.Oh, and amusing it was. Chances are it was the best I'd ever written. I caused myself to chuckle out loud a time or two.

Oh indeedy, good stuff. My chest was swelling with pride. And it wasn't just my padded bra.

and then it happened.

A power surge. And my computer shut off.

And why would I take the time to save as I typed. I was almost done.

So now I have to disappoint my extensive fan base. Yes, both of you will be sad to hear that I have now become quite frustrated and couldn't bring myself to try to duplicate it.

I will therefore, take to my bed, and awake refreshed. Then unfortunately, I'll drag my sorry ass to work and will come home once again exhausted. But hopefully, I will live to write again.