A thing of beauty is a joy forever

I almost envy the common folk. I realize I am living the life of them but deep inside I know I don't truly belong. So while it's fine for other women to age gracefully (read, let themselves go), I am constantly aware that when I regain my throne I must look the part of the princess. So I will recap my daily beauty regiment so you know what lengths I endure each day.

I wake up at 4:00 a.m. to do a Pilates workout. Unfortunately most days it takes 38 minutes for me to unhook the X-Box and figure out how to switch it from the satellite dish to the dvd player. Oh sure, some of you mock me and wonder why I can't remember from day to day. Well sister, it might be because I am dealing with 6 remote control, 2 satellite receivers, an x-box, a playstation, the dvd player and a surround sound system. I'm usually thrilled to get a picture that matches the sound. Anyway, this intricate procedure leaves me only 7 minutes for the workout. 5 minutes warm up then right into the cool down.

Then a quick shower where I exfoliate, cleanse and follow up with a good moisturizer. It saddens me to hear my skin making a sucking sound similar to a man at the bottom of his milkshake.

Then we shampoo, condition, mousse, gel, putty and spray the hair that has already been chemically treated with colour.

A brisk 28 minutes of make-up and the daily miracle is well on the way.

A quick trim of the moustache and a little tweezing on the chin and I'm almost set. I often wonder why I didn't just join the circus.

Now a quick manicure, pedicure, a little eyebrown waxing, a little more bikini waxing, and I'm starting to get it together.

Now for the foundation undergarments. Here's where it gets a little tricky. If the panties are asked to hold in too much the fat gets pushed up and sits under the bra. If only I could push it up a little further I might not need the padded bra.

But after 53 consecutive episodes of "What Not to Wear" I can throw together an outfit in less than 29 minutes.

A quick turn in the mirror and I'm set for the day. And for what. The man of my dreams (yes, the Commoner) is working in a far off land so who is going to notice my efforts. Surely not management. All they care is that the coffee is made along with excuses to cover their asses.

Do I sound bitter. Surely not. It's just the price one must pay to keep up appearances. And there are those of you who say "ah, but yes, with age comes wisdom." True enough, I am no doubt wiser than the 25 year olds with their firm thighs and single chins. But to tell you the truth I would trade all my knowledge for a tight butt in a heartbeat.

Luckily, I have discovered a new fitness guru. You can check out the newest diet craze that will soon be sweeping the nation. You can visit his blog at bahamamama1.blogspot.com.

I'm confident that once his new diet catches on that I will be as beautiful as I need to be. Once all of us realize that my grandmother was right and that "skinny's no good" our society will be better off. All hail the fitness guru. He is my only hope.